Sunday, 23 June 2013



Last week, I wrote on a very sensitive issue in our society that has eaten deep into the fabrics of our lives, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. After reading and re-reading it, My Brother Ayobami opined that the article is not complete unless I delve deeper into the causes of domestic violence and subsequently how it can be eradicated or at the most, reduced to the barest minimum.

What are the causes of domestic violence? What will make a man/woman/parent/child abuse that person you profess to love? Why would you want to hurt someone you love?

In recent times, it has come to the fore that women are not only the abused but now the abuser. You are surprised? So was I until I started delving deep into the issue.

Here is the story of a woman that abused her husband until he died. “I was married for almost 6 years, for as long I can remember, I always wanted to be tough, showing emotions to me was simply being a loser, I always had to take charge and bully my way through everything, growing up in a totally masculine home may have contributed, or maybe naturally I was born to be a jerk, but either way, I am simply remorseful because I went too far, I took advantage of my partner, I molested my partner, I beat up my partner, I talked down to my partner, and all my partner ever did was try to love me.” For the full story, visit “Until Death Did Us Part via @ameh_arome “.

Not only women but children also abuse their parents. You don’t believe me, please read this: “The Silent Suffering of Parent Abuse: When Children Abuse Parents via @ameh_arome “

Reasons and counter-reasons given for domestic violence and abuses are as follows;

1.  MEDICAL CONDITIONS: In minute percentage of domestic violence cases, violence may be caused by organic or psychiatric impairments. Illness based domestic violence cases (e.g. Alzheimer's disease, Huntington's chorea, etc) are rare, but they have happened.

2.  DRUGS AND ALCOHOL: Certain chemicals - anabolic steroids, crack cocaine - can cause violent behavior, but alcohol is not among them. In the human body, alcohol is actually a depressant, a substance that rarely causes aggression.

3.  CONTROLLED BEHAVIOUR:  Domestic violence is not an “out-of-control behavior”. It is, in fact, just the opposite. Some perpetrators only hit certain parts of the body where bruises won't show. Domestic violence is not caused by anger. Anger displays are often merely tactics employed by the abuser to intimidate the victim. Abusers choose times and places to abuse that are designed to have the most powerful impact with the least risk.

4.  STRESS: Domestic violence is not caused by stress. Everyone has stress in their lives. People can and do choose a variety of ways to reduce stress. We cannot excuse the perpetrators of domestic violence who use stress as an excuse.

5.  RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS: Domestic violence is not caused by relationship problems. People can be in distressed relationships without responding with violence. Blaming the relationship takes the focus off the perpetrator's responsibility for the violence and unintentionally supports the perpetrator's denial, minimization and rationalization of the abuse.

In the course of my studying and researching, I identified the following as the causes of domestic violence and abuses;

1.  OBSERVATION: Most domestic violence is caused by learning through observation and reinforcement rather than by biology or genetics. Nearly one half of abusive persons grew up in homes where one of their parents was/is an abuser.
2.  CULTURE, TRADITION AND INSTITUTIONS: Domestic violence behaviors are learned and reinforced in the family as well as in all of society's major institutions - legal, social, religious, educational, medical and mental health.
3.  TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENT: Pornographic videos, some magazines and websites are learning grounds which teaches violence. Music videos, some cartoons and computer games have become an undisputable training source of violence for children and teens.
4.  NO LEGAL BACK-UP: Domestic violence and abuse is repeatedly carried out with impunity because there is no penalty attached to the offense.

The fact that domestic violence is learnt by observation and other areas means that the perpetrator's behavior can be corrected and change effected.

How can this behavior be corrected and change effected?

To be continued next week God willing.

I’m on twitter as @Topsyken



  1. I read the first part and this and I agree with the person who opined that you should do this follow-up just as I think there still needs to be a third part detailing some of the ways that abuse can be dealt with.

    My experience recently is that quite a number of people have begun to define love and affection in totally different ways than what is known as normal and as such are open to abuse.

    When a young girl begins to appreciate being talked down at by a man simply because she is unaware that when a man loves you, he respects your opinion, she may be abused and blissfully unaware.

    My sister, 'sise ku' (there's still lots to be done!) so you may wanna do a third, fourth or even fifth part to this. In the mean time, great job!!!

    1. Tanx Sis. I know that there is still much more work to be done on this topic and other related issues. There will certainly be a part 3 on this issue cos its not complete without proferring a solution to how it can be corrected. Tanx for reading.Im encouraged.

  2. Good one maami, I totally agree with N, the is a wide topic and talking about step to deal with abuse will be a step closer to stopping this menace. So am expecting more sequels to follow in the coming weeks. Thanks for taking time to write this.

    1. Tanx Boss. Sequels will definitely follow. The more i delve into this topic,the wider and more encompassing it becomes.
      Tanx for reading Olawale. Im encouraged.